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but that's what happens when you have Internot problems associated with moving. At least that's working now. I have had a chance to follow Sue's blog and through her the FFF hook contest. It inspired me to try writing a hook for Lennon's Line. Here's what I have so far: Although Joanna is descended from John Lennon, she wants to study genes, not make music. Her uncle Jack, who controls the estate, won’t pay for her education unless she helps him clone John by traveling through a wormhole to a younger, alternate universe and collecting their ancestor’s DNA. Instead, her own sense of right and wrong compels her to leave warnings for John and save his clone by raising the boy, named Paul, herself, even though doing so will put her permanently at odds with Jack. Paul, an aspiring actor, is unaware of his heritage, but the truth is revealed when his mother is killed. But was her death truly random, or a part of Jack’s conspiracy to mold Paul into John’s image? The only way Paul has to find out is by playing John so convincingly Jack will confess. To do that, Paul must travel to the other universe and meet John himself. But in one universe, he must face an armed assassin; in the other, threats to his freedom and the one he loves. |
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On April 26th, 2007 03:19 pm (UTC), (Anonymous) commented: excellent start Hi Sandra. (waves at Sue) I love these things! I haven’t read Lennon’s Line so maybe I can offer a virgin perspective. I have to agree with Sue that this does sound like two stories. It was a definite speed bump for me. Let’s see if I can break this down from the information you provided. If I understand this correctly Joanna is “mom” and she’s been killed. (she raises Paul so I’m assuming he sees her as mom. That wasn’t clear from the query.) The other thing that wasn’t clear is why Uncle Jack wants to clone John Lennon. What’s in it for him? The plot in a nutshell is really inside Paul’s thread. The hook inside this query only becomes compelling when we get to the second paragraph, so I’m wondering if you are including too much back story. As a query hook, I might rewrite it this way: Paul, an aspiring actor discovers that he’s not his mother’s son, but a clone of John Lennon. His mother is killed just as he nears the truth and Uncle Jack is his prime suspect. Jack has been orchestrating Paul’s life from the beginning. (tell us why) It’s up to Paul to trap Jack into a confession. To do this he will travel between two universes, facing an armed assassin in one and bringing a murderer to justice in the other. ***** As an elevator speech hook you might consider something like this: Paul (last name) is the spitting image of John Lennon. He should be. He’s a clone. Paul breaches an alternate universe and meets his alter ego in order to bring a murderer to justice. But what he finds there may be the death of him yet. ***** This is only my stab at it. You know your story far better. I think it’s important to pinpoint both internal and external conflicts immediately and to focus on the main story line. Joanna does not really strike me as the main character so she kind of muddies the waters within the query. She may be an integral part of the story itself, but Paul seems to carry the weight of the conflict---at least judging by your query. Hope this helps. Sorry it’s so long. I can’t help it. I get excited with hooks. Maria |